Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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