On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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