i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
