I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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