I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
