Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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