Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
