i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Randomize