She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
