i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I think people are normalizing furries
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
