Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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