why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
