my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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