the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
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