I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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