every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
