just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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