DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
