I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Let's get the cat blown out
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
