Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
