Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
