u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
