Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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