Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
