Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
