I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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