If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just found a bag of teeth...
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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