Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
