So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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