the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
