all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
