I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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