Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
