i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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