So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
