like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Two words: nipple clamps
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