if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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