I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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