You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
