i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
