She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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