hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
