Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
