Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Randomize
