Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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