Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
