The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
