I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
