do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
