the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
