I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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