Just took my morning after pill in the library
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
