haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
