I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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