it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
