Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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